#200 – A Reflection on My Story So Far with Amy Taylor-Kabbaz

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Happy Mama Movement Podcast. I'm Amy Taylor-Kabbaz. I would like to start by acknowledging the Gadigal people of the Aura nation on which this podcast is recorded as the traditional custodians of this land. And pay my respects to the elders past, present and emerging. And as this podcast is dedicated to the wisdom and knowledge of motherhood, I would like to acknowledge the mothers of this land, the elders, their wisdom, their knowing and my own elders and teachers.

[00:00:38] Welcome back Mamas. And welcome to episode 200 of the Happy Mama Movement Podcast. Some of you, I know, have probably been listening right back to my very first podcast, which also reached from memory about 200 episodes. So this is more like a 400 episode reflection.

[00:01:06] And if you will stay with me, I would love to use this space to reflect on not only what I have learned from this podcast and building this amazing movement of matresence. But also what I've learned about myself through this process. As you probably know, this all began 14 years ago for me when my first child Scarlet was born.

[00:01:34] And in that moment, my world changed. Gosh, thinking about it now I had no idea how much. And as you all know, that began this process of exploring what happens to a woman when she becomes a mother. And my work and my life has really been dedicated to answering that question over the last 14 years, culminating in the most amazing experiences, being able to speak to thousands of women around the world about motherhood, having the absolute privilege of running weekend, retreats, workshops, events. Coaching hundreds, and hundreds of women personally, through the toughest moments and the most amazing and exciting to have created a business. To be able to walk away from my career at the ABC and now fully support my family on my own, on my own income with this work.

[00:02:44] It blows me away that the questions I asked just a few months after becoming a Mama, questions that were so hard and so dark and so scary have led to this. This moment where I am now able to look around me and see not only what I have created for my family, what we are creating as a community, but also who I have become.

[00:03:18] And so I would love to use this podcast conversation to reflect on me and the person, the woman I have discovered through this process. I speak a lot about matresence of course, and motherhood. But what this podcast and building this business, has really taught me about myself.

[00:03:46] I used to think that I had to do at all, that it had to be perfect. I used to worry what people would think of me, used to be attached to outcomes. I used to be so worried that it wouldn't work. I used to be so afraid. That's what I really think about now, when I reflect on where I've been and where this is now. I used to not know myself, not trust my voice, not trust my instincts and yes, motherhood and matresence has absolutely pushed me to explore who I am and understand who I am and heal who I was, so I could be who I am now. But hand in hand with that has been this experience of building this podcast and this work. Hand in hand has been the pushing that this has meant for me, getting over these doubts, believing in myself. Getting up every single morning for years and writing in my journal before my babies woke up, I am here to gather women.

[00:05:10] I am here to have conversations with women around the globe. For so long, that's all that success looked like. All success looked like was what I was hoping it would become. For years after I left the ABC, this divine business that you now listen to was struggling. I had divine Mama clients. I was doing what I could.

[00:05:42] I worked crazy hours around my kids. I'd get up at 5:00 AM to coach a mother in the U.S. And I'd stay up until 10 o'clock at night coaching Mamas is in the UK and in other parts of the world. Wouldn't change it for the world. It was my training ground. It was my fire of initiation. And it's what formed everything I do now, hearing those voices of so many women hearing that what I was feeling was what they were feeling too. But it was such an enormous leap of faith to take this idea that maybe I could do something with Mums, to then build this.

[00:06:30] I say this because I think so often we don't realise we're in the middle of the biggest growth of our life. I didn't know at the time that every decision I was making, every brave decision I see now did not feel brave at the time, it was terrifying and I did it because I had to, because if I didn't make that decision, I wouldn't get enough money that week.

[00:06:57] But every brave decision I've made along the way has made me. Yes. It's built a business. Yes. It's created this community, but it is made me.

[00:07:12] It's made me into someone who I'm proud of. It's made me into someone who knows their voice, who knows that they're doing what they said they would do. It's changed me in ways I never expected. And some of them are brutal. This whole process of matresence and redefining myself changed me so much, it changed my marriage.

[00:07:41] And I just want to acknowledge that for a moment, because I hear this a lot in the women that I coach and support and we support as a Mama Rising community. What happens if I change? And he doesn't? What happens if I change and that changes things? Yes, it changed things. I don't know if it would have changed anyway, but here's what I know for sure.

[00:08:09] I really really know this for sure. The woman that is sitting here talking into a microphone is a completely different person than was here a few years ago. And this one is really happy. This one is living a life that she's proud of. This one has faced the darkest things in her life. The darkest, the most heartbreaking, the biggest betrayal, all of it.

[00:08:42] And I know we hear this all the time. I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't know if that's an adequate thing to say.

[00:08:53] But on my ring finger on my right hand, when things really began to change in my life, I had a tattoo placed on my ring finger on my right hand of the infinity sign. And to me, this means the universe is always equal and balanced, always equal and balanced. And so if you picture an infinity sign in your mind right now, both sides are equal and balanced and you have that centerpiece that it runs through.

[00:09:27] Now, if you want great love, great connection, great passion and great joy, great abundance, a great life on one side of that symbol, because the universe is equal and balanced. You must be willing to hold the equal darkness, struggles, challenges on the other side. Now for some those infinity signs will be small and divine. But for me, the infinity sign is big. When I woke up every day and I wrote in that journal, I want to be the one who gathers women and has conversations.

[00:10:13] All those tiny little micro decisions I made all along the way. Was creating that infinity sign within me, I was asking for more and more and more. I knew I wanted to play a bigger part. I knew I wanted to grow more. I wanted more, and that meant I needed to hold the space for more on the other side too.

[00:10:41] And that's what's happened. Wherever you are in this experience of redefining yourself through matresence, through work, through relationships through life. I would just love to say from my very humble experience, I would just like to say, hold on, you don't realise how many tiny, brave decisions you're making every single day. You don't realise how much those tiny, brave decisions are actually creating this future self that will one day sit there and think, wow, I'm actually really proud of what I've done, of where I've been, of who I've become. And I know it's only the beginning,

[00:11:36] I think, on reflection of 200 episodes of this podcast. There are four things, that I really think have stood out as lessons for me. The first is Mamas have just as much wisdom to share as all of the gurus and the authors I have interviewed over my long media career. I learn so much by talking to Mums. As you know, every third episode or so in this podcast is a Mamas experience of matresence.

[00:12:21] She may not have written a book. She may not have an empire. She may not be trained in some insightful spiritual practice, but she knows her wisdom and her stories have changed me. And I think part of what we're here to do in this podcast and in so many other places right now is to stop looking to only the gurus and the authors and the experts to hear.

[00:12:48] And instead listen to each other, to Mamas. Because we know we have things to say, you don't need a PhD or a publishing deal, we have things to say and share.

[00:13:05] The second I've really learned through this whole experience of creating this amazing community and platform is words create worlds. This is something that my mentor and teacher around matresence said to me a long time ago, Amy words create worlds. And when you don't have a word to describe how you're feeling, you can't describe your world. .

[00:13:29] And the gift of matresence has given us not only a word, but a world. We need words to tell our stories. We need a place where we can talk about this and share our stories so we can create a world for ourselves where what we're feeling is normal.

[00:13:53] The third thing I really learned through this whole process, personally, is I don't have to do it all. That actually the divine feminine way is to hold space and let it happen. Hold space and let it happen. We know what we're doing. We know what we're doing as Mamas and as women, we just need to come together and have those words and find a world where it feels good and safe and the rest is done.

[00:14:26] It is not my job. It's not my job to fix this. I don't need to, we will do this together.

[00:14:37] And the fourth thing I really learned through this whole process, is that working on myself is the work. When I look back at the last 14 years, I thought so often when things didn't feel like they were working when I was worried, it wouldn't work. When I was worried, I needed to go back and get a job.

[00:15:02] When I was worried about my future. I thought what I needed to work on was the business. Learn the marketing, learn the money, learn something new. And actually when I reflect on the last 14 years, the thing that has changed my business, my world myself the most is when I decided to work on myself. Not on my email marketing campaign, not on my Instagram strategy, not on how I was performing or showing up or any of that.

[00:15:34] I needed to work on myself. I am the work. And from there, it's all come.

[00:15:44] So to you, whether this is your first episode, your 200th or whether you've been here right from the very, very beginning. Thank you. Thank you for being a part of this world. And for this world of change we're creating, I hope that the image of the infinity sign will stay with you. And you remember that when you're asking for big things, you are also saying, I am ready to hold the challenges. Because I'm here for it all.

[00:16:20] And that's what this is about. We're here for it all. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And I really look forward to sharing my reflections on the 400th episode with you. Satnam.